Summer Reflection

Hello wonderful readers,

As you have obviously noticed, I took some time off this summer from blogging to just LIVE without the commitments of having to blog. And you know what? It. Felt. Great. So much has changed for me. I took a trip to Italy this summer that totally changed my mindset. Italians epitomize the saying “live everyday to the fullest”, and this rubbed off on me. It is hard to be controlling of your eating when you are surrounded by gelatos, pizza, and pasta. So much of this past year has been spent afraid, afraid of food, afraid of being fat, afraid of myself. Italy showed me that I don’t have to be afraid. There is a whole other way to live. Italians indulge everyday and most of them are thinner and will live longer than most Americans. I realized that being afraid was a choice I was making and that if I opened my eyes and my heart, I could live a whole other way. And so I gave in. I ate those gelatos, I savored the thin crust pizza with sauce made from an Italian grandmother’s secret recipe, I enjoyed trying new foods like octopus and squid ink pasta. I fell in love with food again, and I found myself.

This may sound like another Eat, Pray, Love storyline, and in a way it is. But it is my story, my journey. And right now that journey wants freedom to grow, explore, laugh, learn, and love, without needing to blog about everything I do. I have learned so much this summer about who I am, who I became, and who I want to become.

I’m no expert, but when you are immersed in a culture like Europe where people just let it all hang out, flesh, laundry, and family secrets, you begin to open yourself up and discover what more there is inside of you. You don’t have to stay trapped inside of yourself. It’s okay to enjoy life. And most of all, live everyday to the fullest, just like the Italians.

So farewell for a while, I’ll be reading some, but probably not blogging much. I wish you peace on all the journeys you take, be it to Italy or just in your soul.

xo

Living Free

**For anyone struggling with an ED I would highly recommend a trip to Italy. I’m no expert, but it worked for me.**

Hello Again!

Well hello again. The summer has pushed blogging back on the list of priorities. Not that I don’t want to blog, but I have all this other time to do things with! It’s great.

Lately I have been in a good place. I have managed to maintain my weight for a the longest I ever had, and have made numerous victories over the ED! I just need to keep it up. I can smell my freedom!

Yesterday I met with my women’s circle. We had a picnic on the ocean and chatted, catching up and sharing a meal. Then we collected a stone or shell and put into it a hope or goal for our summer and threw them into the sea. I have decided to find the happiness in every day. For a while I have been down and now that things are going better, I want to be more positive, and work on seeing the good, grace, and joy in life.

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx

Yesterday afternoon for snack, I had…. Kettle corn! YUM!

Sweet AND salty!

And of course I have been enjoying lots of fruit.

Bananas, cherries, cantalope, bloobs, honeydew, and my fav, nectarines!

Fresh, in season fruit might just be my favorite part of the summer (but then, what about no school, and then there’s the beautiful weather, and wait, sleeping in is up there…..)

So anywho, I just wanted to say hello and keep you all updated! Enjoy the opportunities that summer presents. Get outside, go meet someone new, and FIND HAPPINESS IN EVERY DAY!

What is your goal for yourself for the summer? Other than finding happiness in each day, I want to make some new friends, and really recharge from the school year. R.E.L.A.X.A.T.I.O.N.

What is your favorite summer fruit? Mine is definately nectarines!

xo,

Living Free

Tags: blueberries, cantalope, cherries, honeydew, nectarines, popcorn

Free Fallin’

Somedays I feel like giving up. Other days I feel like fighting. And yet others I just try to get through. Recently I’ve been having a lot of just get through days, but things are looking up.

Yesterday was a fighting day. I didn’t complain about what I needed to eat ALL DAY, which is something that I’ve been working on.I was feeling really proud of myself and really good about this, and I couldn’t wait to tell my mom because I wanted to hear her tell me what good work I was doing. But when she got home, she said something else. Something I hadn’t planned on hearing. She told me I had more work to do, and that there were still areas I could have improved on during the day, and that I missed some opportunities. I was bummed to say the least.

Just to clarify, my mom was doing her job. She was being honest and trying to show me areas I could improve in to help me get better. It wasn’t her fault she was trying to help. The blame was on me. I didn’t want to hear that I had more work to do. I was looking for outward praise, for someone to pat me on the back and tell me how great I was, and what a good job I was doing. But there was more work to be done. It wasn’t time yet for pats on the back. I needed to accept the fact that there was more work to do, while also be proud of what I had accomplished. And I didn’t need to look for that praise outside of myself. My recovery is up to me, I realized, and waiting for others, like my mom, to praise me does me no good. I need to be proud of myself, and that is what matters.

As nice as it is when my parents compliment me on a job well done, I need to be proud of myself without this praise. I think this is a step  in my self discovery and self acceptance, to be able to be proud and happy all on my own without needing others praise to make me feel good about my achievements.

And about the work, well, the journey isn’t over, at least not yet. So I just have to keep chugging along. Yesterday was a fighting day, today is a get through the day. Either way, I need to keep moving forward. Stopping complaints and resistance is this step forward for me. It is a big sign of letting go, of accepting the work I need to do, and doing it. I am trusting in my parents and support team and falling, knowing I will be caught.

Mixed my shake into my cereal so it was a bit like a high protein kefir cereal yogurt mess. Or should I say kefir mess?

And fresh summer fruit....

Something to think about on this lovely day!

All you can do is your best. When you feel like that is not enough, remember that there is always another day waiting!

Peace to all of you,

Living Free

Tags: banana, cereal, fruit, granola, protein powder, yogurt

The Morning After (plus a sweet giveaway!)

Okay, let’s get some things straight right off the bat. I realized how, er, strange my title could seem. Let’s just take it literally, shall we?

This morning Mama LF left me a sweet note after leaving for a bike ride with some peeps (haha I find it funny to call her friends peeps. Call me silly, but don’t you think it’s funny when you use this generation getto talk on the previous generation?)

A bit blurry, but it reads: Today is a new day.

Amen to that.

Last night was spent crying (yeah, no shame) and carrying on, but now that I am 12 hours away from the scene, it suddenly seems silly and childish. It’s not like my tears were winning world peace. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. In the moment, they felt necessary, and my emotions felt raw enough that they deserved tears to express how deep they went.

Anyway, I guess all I can do is move forward. The world doesn’t stop turning for me, though sometimes I wish it would. We all want people to stop and notice us and for everyone else days to be ruined when our life takes a bad turn-yeah, its called pessimism. But the world doesn’t (thankfully) work like that. It just keeps on turning, or as Dory the infamous ‘lil blue and yellow fish that accompanies Marlin on his quest for Nemo (do no ask me how may times I have seen this movie. I think it is clear that I have seen it many times. About, oh, 10? ) Just keep’s turning, turning, turning, just keep turning, turning, turning…. We all get pulled along, for better or for worst, in our good days and bad. We are all along for the ride.

I think this may actually be good for me right now. It is a gift. I have a fresh start every morning. A new beginning. A day of possibilities for change.

Anyway, I’ll get off my soapbox for a while and give you some pics!

Okay, brace yourselves. We are about to embark on something radical here. Introducing a………. banana shake! Yeah, same as usual!

That little thing sticking out btw is a straw, not a monster from the banana smoothie lagoon!

But I did mix things up here!

We ran out of yogurt. Need I say more? Yeah, the addition of chocolate peanut butter ice cream to my shake wasn't my idea. I much prefer yogurt. However I give myself kudos for going iwth the flow and being flexible!

Been doin’ lots of cereal. It is my go to breakfast, and good for these increasingly warmer mornings!

Mama LF made some granola the other day, so that has been incorporated into my breakfasts.

Builders bar for snack yesterday am.

And for lunch I had a salad from WF with goat cheese, pecans, and dried cranberries. (I’m not a huge cran fan but ate them anyway. Any dried frui you don’t like? Raisins, crans, and bleck, dried kiwi. Nasty stuff, I’m telling you. I love fresh kiwi, but somehow when they dry it, it turns this bright nearly neon green. Suspicious, no?)

With some of their tuna salad and some huge croutons!

Dinner was rice salad and some Tofu-Pups, which I used to love when I was little, but haven’t had in a long time.

NOTE: This was the serving plate, not MY plate. Just makin' sure.

Add one more to this pile, plus the two hot dog buns they were eaten with...

And the day was ended with PB and Nutella (plus a side of tears.)

This is what I am thinking:

“To do anything truly worth doing, I must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in with gusto and scramble through as well as I can.” -Og Mandino (1923 – 1996)

Basically, sometimes things get messy, but you have to keep going because that is where the real growth occurs. When the going gets tough, the tough get going! (I am trying to pump myself up because yesterday was hard and I am afraid I will have to go through the same thing all over again today. I will keep reminding myself that today is a new day, a fresh start, a clean slate. I can do this.)

Giveaway alert!

Be sure to check out Gabriela’s sweet giveaway! Want to win $60 to spend on things from fitness gear to household goods to furniture and even SHOES? Head on over and ENTER! There are five ways to enter:

1. 1. Leave a comment below telling her what you’d get from CSN stores with the gift certificate
2. Add G’s blog, Une Vie Saine, to your blogroll
3. Add Une Vie Saine to your reader
4. Follow her on Twitter (uneviesaine – just click the link on the right side of this page)
5. Blog about this giveaway in your next post, and leave G a link! (This is what I’m doing!)
   Gabriela would appreicate it if you could leave a spparate coment for each entry. You have until Monday @ 6pm. Get commenting and good luck!
   

Have a great day!

Peace,

Living Free

Tags: banana, basil, bread, Builder's Bar, cereal, cheese, chocolate ice cream, corn, cranberries, granola, honey, Nutella, nuts, peanut butter, pecans, rice, salad, shake, soymilk, tofu, tomatoes, yogurt

Guilty

In the midst of finals and the craziness that begets the end of school, there is something else crazy, something that I need to confess.

I. SCREWED. UP.

BIG. TIME.

I don’t want to get that into it just yet as it is still very fresh, but it had to do with the ED and making some bad choices that strayed from the path to recovery that I felt like I was really on. It seems like this is the way it always happens: things go well for a while, I’m cruising along and then all of a sudden CRASH! and things start to go downhill. I feel terrible now of course, and this happens everytime, and yet why do I make these choices!?

What do you do when you do something really bad? Like something you knew you shouldn’t have done but did anyway?

This is me admitting I made a mistake, feeling terrible about it, and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. How do you move forward when you just feel like hiding?

This is my motto at the moment:

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” -August Wilson

Love to all you in dark places. Be strong.

LF

Flapjacks and Finals

Hello,

Well, I managed to finished my paper and make it to bed by 10, which by me is an accomplishment. That will probably be my best night’s sleep this week because I have to study for FINALS! AHHH! I can’t remember anything from the beginning of the year. Lot’s of studying to do. Gotta get crackin’! I had a quick shakie-poo last night before hittin’ the sack.

And snacked on some cherries, which just might be my favorite fruit EVER (but then again, I prety much say that about like every fruit.:))

Last night was difficult, because I met with my parents about my summer plans. And yeah, I know, that doesn’t sound so bad. I didn’t think it would be bad either. However, due to the fact that I felt like I wasn’t being heard, I got very frustrated. Finally we decided to just call it a night, but when I have interactions like that with my parents, I feel so badly. Plus, I broke a glass dish while cleaning up dinner, and I felt badly about that. My ED has put so much stress on my family, and I feel horrible about this so I don’t want to cause anymore stress or disrupt the family anymore. Though my parents tell me that they love me and that they would do this for anyone, I can’t help but feel that I am just a big burden at times. Sometimes I just want to disappear to make their lives all easier. I am working on sifting out these feelings.

And then today Papa LF flipped up some flapjacks for brekkie:

“Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how…We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.” — Agnes de Mille, dancer

Toodles!

LF

Tags: banana, cherries, honey, pancakes, protein powder, shake, yogurt

Can’t talk. Must write.

Hey you pretties,

Just got back from a theray appointment and have some goals for the week. I’m posting them to keep myself accountable and to make sure I follow through on them and don’t forget them! (Yes, this has happened, much to my therapist’s chagrin!)

Goals:

1. Notice what triggers you to feel badly/ self conscious about your body and also notice when you feel confident.
2. Where do you still see the ED present in your life? How could you address this?

Short and sweet, just the way I like it! Well, also because I have a massive papa to finish writing ALL IN ONE NIGHT! I never used to have problems with prcrastination, but since the ED, well, let’s just say thing have gotten a little loose. Of course, this may also have to do with the fact that it is the end of school, and let’s face it, you know how it gets…… My friend (who also happens to struggle with the procrastination monsta) said that she read an article that said some people who procrastinate do it for the adrenaline of working last minute and the stress. That sounds so unhealthy, but I have to wonder, is it true?

A quote for y’all (OMG, did I really just say that? Excuse my southern twang. It is my procrastination trying to make me write more so that I can push off having to actually write!)

“It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got” -Sheryl Crow (from her song, Soak Up the Sun)

And some questions:

Do you find that the ED has changed your ability to focus? Or, has it changed something else about your personality? (For better or worse)

What do you do to cheer yourself up when you are feeling uncomfortable in your skin? I get outside, exercise, take a bath, watch a movie, just basically things that either get my mind off of it or remind me of the more important things in life than your body and what it looks like.

So I gotta go, but I will keep you posted on the things I notice!

Cheers! (That’s me getting excited for the World Cup. First game is England v. US!)

LF